A SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER asked her children, as they were on the way to church, "Does anyone know why it's important to be quiet in church?"  Nobody knew the answer, until one bright little girl asked, "Because people are sleeping?"
                                       
A SANDWICH WALKS INTO A BAR and sits down.   The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
    
TWO HYDROGEN ATOMS WALK INTO A BAR.  One says, "I've lost my electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
                                        
A JUMPER-CABLE WALKS INTO A BAR and sits down.   The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
                      
TWO COWS are standing next to each other in a field.   Daisy says to Dolly  "I was artificially inseminated this morning."...  "I don't believe you," says Dolly...  "It's true, no bull!"  exclaims Daisy...
    
TWO ANTENNAS meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.   The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great!   
                                    
I WENT TO THE STORE to buy some camouflage trousers the other day... but I couldn't find any. 
         
A GUY WALKS INTO THE PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE, wearing only Glad Wrap shorts... The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
                           
Riddles:
What do you call a deer with no eyes?    
No idea.

What do you call the same deer with no legs?
Still no idea...

What did Snow White say to her photographer?
Some day my prints will come...

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off...

Why were the teachers eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils...

What did the duck say when he finished shopping?
Put it on my bill please...

What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around, while i go on ahead...

Why do golfers carry an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one...

What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells...

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede...

Have you heard the joke about the garbage truck?   
Don't worry... it's a load of rubbish...

What only works after it's been fired?
A rocket...

What did the window say to the door?
What are you squeaking about?  i'm the one with the pane...

What has one foot and four legs?
A bed.

What has a bottom at its top?
A leg.

What goes up, but never comes down? 
Your age.

What grows down when it grows up?  
A goose.

What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas Carol?
Jungle Bells...

What does a witch ask for when she arrives at a hotel?
Broom service...

What's an eleven-letter word everybody pronounces incorrectly?
Incorrectly...

Why can't bicycles stand up by themselves?
Because they're two-tired.

Why do Indians always get the best seats on airplanes?
Because they have Reservations!

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis...

What do whales eat?
Fish and ships...

What's the best time to see the dentist?
Tooth-hurty...

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish...
                   
Who do you call if your feet get stuck in the mud?  
A toe-truck...

What happened when the chicken slept under the car?
She woke up oily the next morning...
     
Why won't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9!

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head while i give these two a lift...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide...

What do you call a hippie's wife?
Mississippi...

What goes ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...plop...?
Someone laughing their head off...



PUNS:

10. And finally...There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.
                            
Customer in restaurant:  "Waitress, what's this fly doing in my soup?!"
Waitress:  "It looks like the back-stroke to me..."

Customer in restaurant:  "Waitress, this coffee tastes like mud!"
Waitress:  "Well, it was only ground yesterday..."

ZEN WISDOMS:
*Experience is something you don't get, until after you need it.
*If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you...      
                                      

            
TWO OLD LADIES are sitting on a park bench.  One of them leans over, and whispers quietly to the other:  "Tell me the truth -- is that a wig you're wearing?"   The other lady whispers back quietly "Yes..., to tell you the truth, it is a wig."   Then the first lady leans over, looks the other in the eye, and replies confidentially:  "Well, you sure can't tell!"
                                
A WELL-KNOWN CARDIOLOGIST died and was given an elaborate funeral.  A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.  The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever....
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.  When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted...  
                                           
THE IMMIGRANT'S SON comes home from 5th grade, and asks his father:  "Daddy, what is a vacuum?"   The father pauses and thinks for a moment before answering.   The father says:  "A vacuum is a void."    His son looks at him, puzzled and frustrated, and responds angrily:  "I know it's a void!!!... but vhat does the void mean?!?!?"  
                                      
WHO'S BIGGER?   Mr. Bigger, or Mr. Bigger's son?
Mr. Bigger's son -- because he's a little Bigger...
                                 
A MATH TEACHER WAS ARRESTED while trying to board a flight with a compass, protractor and graphical calculator. Authorities believe he was a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!
                                     
It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position:    The husband sits up and begs ... and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
                                                           
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants...               
                          
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
                                         
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
                             
One-liners by Rodney Dangerfield: 

"I was so poor growing up.... If I wasn't a boy, I would have had nothing to play with..."

"I was such an ugly baby...  My mother never breast fed me...  She told me that she only liked me as a friend..."
                                        
"Today in class" said Mrs. Johnson, the kindergarten teacher, "We're going to play a guessing game". 

"Ok here we go, it's a fruit, it's yellow, and tastes good".

Little Susie raised her hand. "it's a lemon!" 
"No I'm sorry it's a banana but I'm glad to see you're thinking"

"Next one... it's red, a fruit, grows on trees."  
"It's a ball?" 
"No...it's an apple... but I'm glad to see you're thinking." 

Little Johnny stands up and says: "I got one!  OK, it's long and hard...
...it has a pink tip, and is in my pocket." 

"JOHNNY!" "That's inappropriate." 

"It's a pencil... but I'm glad to see you're thinking."
                                         
A Rabbi boarded a airplane in Rome, and was surprised when the Pope himself 
sat down in the seat next to him.  They briefly introduced each other, but immediately, 
the Pope began a crossword puzzle.  "This is fantastic," thought the Rabbi, 
who also liked crossword puzzles...  "Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, 
he'll ask me for assistance."  
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the Rabbi and said, 
"Excuse me, Rabbi, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman 
that ends in the letters u-n-t ?"  
Only one four-letter word came to the Rabbi's mind...  
"Oy vey," thought the Rabbi, "I can't say that to the Pope...  
There must be another word..."  
The Rabbi searched his mind for awhile, then it hit him...  
Turning to the pope, the Rabbi said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."  
"Of course," said the Pope... "Do you have an eraser?"
                            

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
                                         
 

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this damn church."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir.  I must  have misunderstood you.  What did you say?"

 

"What the hell???  Are you deaf!???   Listen up, damn it!!   I said I want to join this damn freakin' church!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

 

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.   The pastor agrees that the secretary does not  have to listen to the visitor's foul language.

 

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"Damn it, there ain't no problem," the man says.  "I just won $200 million in the freakin' lottery, and for Christ sake, I just wanna join this freakin' church, to give away some of this god-damn money."

 

"I see..." said the pastor, "And this BITCH is giving you a hard time???!!!"

                                                                                                               

-- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

-- What is a "free" gift??   Aren't all gifts "free"?

-- They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

-- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

-- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

-- One nice thing about egotists:  They don't talk about other people.

-- I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.

-- How can there be self-help "groups"?

-- Is there another word for synonym?

-- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

-- Is it possible to be totally partial?

-- What's another word for thesaurus?
             

A farmer's donkey fell down into a well.  The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.  Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.  He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.  They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.  Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.  A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.  As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing.  He would shake it off and take a step up.  As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon! , everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up and over the edge of the well and trotted off.

 The Moral:  Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.  The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.  We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!  Shake it off and take a step up!

Now for the rest of the story.... The donkey later came back, caught the farmer in the field and kicked the shit out of him.  Then he went over to each of his neighbors' farms and kicked the shit out of them too... for helping.

 The real Moral:  When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you!  

A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu.  Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer.  I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

"This is unbelievable," the owner says to himself, as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.

Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

The owner of the restaurant says:  "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you... I'll go get you a used fork."   The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.  After a few deep whiffs, the blind man says:  "That smells great... I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him, and figures that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him.

The blind man returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.  He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your crotch."  Gladys frowns, but complies and hands the fork to her husband.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Damn! I sure didn't know Gladys worked here!"

                       
A guy walks into a crowded bar with a pet alligator by his side.  He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons, and shouts to the crowd:

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my penis inside the gator's mouth. Then the gator will close his mouth for about a minute... Then, he'll open his mouth, and I'll remove my penis, totally unscathed... In return for witnessing this incredible spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval...

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his penis inside the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth, as the crowd gasped...

After about a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth, and the man removed his penis, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered wildly, and the first of the free drinks were delivered...
 
While the crowd was still cheering, the man suddenly jumped up on the bar again, and shouted out another offer:  "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try!!!"

A hush fell over the crowd...

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar... A young woman timidly spoke up...

"I'll try it -- but just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

                                                                                                                

Recommended for jokesters:  See Isaac Asimov's "The Anthology of Humor," a lengthy book in which he categorizes various jokes by type (puns, plays on words, dirty jokes, etc), and explains how to best deliver each one... 
   

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